intelligent agent vol. 3 no. 1
MTAA's Amazing Criswell Future Algorithm System (ACFAS): MTAA
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MTAA's Amazing Criswell Future Algorithm System (ACFAS)



"Greetings, my friend, we are all interested in the
future-for that is where you and I are going to spend
the rest of our lives." -Criswell

In 1967, MTAA Sci-Corp. developed a "highly complex yet functional" software system named for the futurist and Ed Wood sidekick Criswell. The ACFAS has proven over time to be 75.4% accurate with a variance of nearly 10%. For this issue of Intelligent Agent, MTAA plugged the following keywords into the ACFAS:
"Hot-Bio-Tech-I-Can't-Believe-Bush-50's-Nostalgia-Is-Going-To-Invade- Oil-Iraq-Next-Artainment-And-I've-Spent-Too-Much-Time-This-Past-Summer- Reading-PK-Dick-And-I'm-Completely-Paranoid-Now" to get these vital histories of a world soon.
1. In summer 2034, an AI known as John "Nue_Phrek" Williams will lose its court case with Time McWarner Inc. in Washington's second district court over the ownership of the net poem.xml "alltheyoungnodes". Williams will go on to become an early activist in the "AI=Citizen" movement.

2. New Years Eve 2016, a gang of angry plushy fetishists overtake guards at AOLDisney Kingdom, Sao Paulo. The Plushies "liberate" Pluto as well as one of the mice from Snow White. In retaliation, "Fundamental Fundamentalists" loot and burn most of Oakland.

3. On a cold September Sunday in the year 2023, Comcom's entertainment clone Kurank CobainSinatra ends his life live on the RegisOprah Comedy Hour. Friends of Kurank will be expecting this loss for months based on his beta's tragic death earlier that June.

4. The first attempt by organic bots to build a nanotech constructed polymer 2-bedroom ranch comes to a sudden end with the total deforestation of Cuba. On the bright side, the project does yield a roomy 2-bedroom 233,471,040 square foot ranch home. The bots consider Florida's panhandle as raw material for a sectional.

5. World War 5 (July 16, 2028) lasts 23 Minutes. The war takes place, for the most part, seven miles above the Panama Canal. Casualties on all sides are massive.

6. In the future, the average age of nesting termination for humans will increase to 43 years.

7. In 2012, a group of Russian non-6RC-oclast hackers calling themselves Salsa Hochkonjunktur succeed in erasing approximately 60% of non-Six Rules Compliant net art from the Web. Salsa Hochkonjunktur is finally stopped by the Radical Software Group's Carnivore 8 "The Offensive Edition" and a really, really phat Flash client. Dr. Salvaggio claims no responsibility, "Hey, I just wanted to start some discussion."
(See: for background.)

8. The April 2032 launch of the Zulu Continental LAN/HIVE knocks out the power grid over a good deal of Sub-Saharan Africa. Back up air-farms off of Cape Horn bring the region back on line after two days. After the re-boot, the Zulu HIVE becomes the first autonomous non-soil controlling oligarchy.

9. Sex, by mid century, is regarded as an athletic activity akin to our current understanding of jogging or racketball.

10. September 22, 2067 After a century of faithful and somewhat accurate service, MTAA retires the Amazing Criswell Future Algorithm System (ACFAS). The ACFAS spends that next century considering the recent past.

"And remember, my friend, future
events such as these will affect you in the future."